From the age of one, when a baby begins to become a child, it is normal for them to want to take a toy from a friend, yell at them, bite, and even kick; also to make noise when others are sleeping, throw toys, etc. These are impulsive reactions to something they want or want to express, but they should be taught to control them and find other socially acceptable ways.
Young children can bother others simply because they don’t know how to evaluate the consequences of their actions. They can also aggress other children and even adults, mainly when:
- They want something the other has.
- They want to play or do something with another child, and since they cannot communicate well, frustration causes them to react aggressively.
- To defend themselves from another child.
- Or simply to see “what happens”.
Aggressiveness
Has your child become aggressive?
If your child doesn’t like something, they express their anger with violence. Although this is their way of externalizing frustrations, it doesn’t mean you should tolerate their angry outbursts.
How should you act?
One ordinary day, without warning, your child yells at you angrily: "No, dummy!" But maybe you were just taking away the TV, putting on their bib, taking them out of the bath, changing the diaper... If, in addition, they hit you, surprise and anger mix. But if the behavior starts to repeat and escalate (with scratching, hair pulling, or biting), doubts arise. Am I spoiling them? Are they being bullied at daycare? Is it just a phase? Our ways of responding multiply depending on our mood.
Patience is key
- Most of the time, their behavior is temporary, especially if we stop it by setting an example. They are going through a difficult stage, do not know how to repress frustrations, and are looking for an effective way to communicate. We must make clear that violence is not acceptable.
- Our response is key: it will either encourage or deactivate violent behavior as a way to channel anger. Later, we can ask ourselves what causes the behavior. Usually, it’s just badly channeled frustration; but sometimes there are other reasons that need attention.
- When the child’s violent attitude is mild (for example, saying "dummy" like saying "hello," without much passion), it is advisable to pretend we didn’t hear it. After all, they don’t even know what the word means; they heard it somewhere and repeat it. If mild inappropriate attitudes occur, besides not responding, distracting their attention to another subject reduces aggressive behavior instead of reinforcing it, which would happen if we respond angrily with a shout.
Punishment or ignoring?
When their manifestations are stronger, we cannot pretend not to notice. Along with calming them, we must send a simple and clear message: "No hitting," "No biting." We don’t need long explanations but should accompany the message with the right gesture and tone: serious, firm, but not furious. If we find it necessary, we can apply a negative punishment, which means taking away something they like so they associate an unpleasant consequence with their behavior. For example, if they pull your hair while you are holding them, calmly put them down and say you won’t pick them up again until they calm down.
But generally, we shouldn’t give too much importance to their outbursts or make them the center of our conversations. Attention is the most powerful reinforcer of behavior, both positive and negative. So it is better to always make clear what is wrong but also reward with attention what they do well. Finally, we can make peace and show them we are not angry.
Main mistakes parents make
- Aggressiveness is not learned; it is a basic survival emotion generated in response to an external stimulus perceived as a threat. It is healthy in itself. What we do learn is to channel aggressiveness positively (turning it into actions that help us move forward) or negatively: violence. When our child chooses violence, we must teach them other ways.
- We should not respond with laughter to hair pulling or scratching: it might seem like a game and encourage repetition. It’s also not good to be indifferent: "Poor thing, they still don’t know how to express frustration with words."
- The best way to counter their aggressive impulse is to apply the opposite: calmness. Our goal during crises will be to slow them down. If very upset, we can inhibit movement by hugging them and speaking softly, but never shaking them (which would transfer our tension).
Setting limits from early on
Limits should be imposed from when the baby starts moving around at home by telling them what they should not do. We should not let them do everything they want just because they are a baby. They need to be taught what is not allowed and this should be repeated daily every time they do it. Setting limits does not mean becoming a dictator parent; limits should be firm but not harsh, rules clear and fair, and the reason always explained. For example, if your child is taking a toy from another child, say: "You shouldn’t take Mauro’s toy because it will make him sad," or "Don’t hit Carla because it hurts." Then guide or teach them to find another way: "Let’s wait until Mauro finishes playing so he can lend you the car," "Let’s ask Carla to share the book," or "Let’s read the book together with Carla."
Limits will apply not only in relationships with other children but with everyone. If dad is taking a nap and the child is making noise, tell them not to make noise: "Don’t make noise because dad is resting, let’s play in the garden instead." If at some point they get frustrated and start throwing toys, say: "I know you’re upset because you didn’t finish the tower, but let’s try again. Also, don’t throw toys because they can break."
Gratitude
The best method is to be a good example. When you receive a gift, show your gratitude. If your child makes you a drawing, thank them and tell them what you like about it.
Teach them to say thank you (and write thank-you notes), and praise them when they are polite rather than correcting them when they are not. If they receive a gift from a relative and say thank you, tell them how much you liked their behavior, how wonderful they are, and how grown-up they seem.
Another good way to help your child value gifts is not to give them everything they want. You might be tempted to give them all kinds of toys and material things, but granting all their whims won’t give them happiness and often causes them to stop appreciating what they already have. So, for example, when your preschooler celebrates a birthday, give only one or two toys instead of half a dozen or buy inexpensive toys. After all, what children need and value most from parents is the time spent together.
If your child gets a weekly allowance, let them be responsible for buying toys they like. This will help them be more selective when spending their own money. You might consider giving a percentage of their money to charity, which is a subtle and effective way to teach them they are luckier than many others.
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